The Fear of being Fifty-Fucking-Seven

Dedicated to my beautiful wonder-women friends born in 1963. To 3 beautiful young wonder-women, I refer to as my adopted / goddaughters” and of course, even though it’s IWD, to some amazing “born in 1963” super-men in my life, and my super-sons.

If we want to be really technical, I am 50fucking7 and a half, as I am an August Leo baby. What’s wrong with 50F7 you are probably all wondering? Well, it’s not the “Life begins at 40”, stuff, nor the good side of 50 and it’s certainly not the glamorous 60, and sure as hell it’s not the Grande Dame age of 90, which is how old my mother will be on 24 March 2021. Yes, it’s a bloody arbitrary age, which if I am brutally honest is no longer middle age, and seriously, if it was, who wants to live to be 114?

Despite having worked out my life passion and my purpose (they do differ) a few years ago, somehow, this irrational fear crept in while living in the time of Covid, it started a little before the 5th of August (which pushed me to sign up for a yoga teacher training course I was sure I would cancel in time to still be refunded); but fuck, I started really contemplating, I am 50F7 and what have I really achieved? Am I truly showing up in the world and if die today, will I have left any kind of legacy?

Fast forward a few months, picture the scene, Life in the time of Covid; December 2020, I was back from a quiet holiday in Johannesburg visiting my Mum, in the thick of new Covid restrictions in the UK, when my head really plummeted into this obscure place of fear. What if this was the sum total of my life? What if I can’t travel and explore the world again? What if, now that my sons are fully adults, my time of being a mother is done? What if my body and mobility are “what they are”, what if my brain doesn’t have the capacity to learn anything new? What if every time I go out, I have to wear a mask? What if I never have sex again? What if I am just a redundant 50fucking7 year old human? What if I died today, who would truly cry? What legacy would I have really left upon Mother Earth? What if, if, if…?

My 57-year-old friends and I know our fair share of people who have died or have been gravely ill due to Covid. We also know many people, of all ages who are really depressed, highly anxious and struggling through this time. But at our age, 50F7, we seem to have bypassed the “deep depression through Covid” affliction, we seem to have been marked “safe”, probably, or possibly, because we have experienced some type of depression and anxiety over our 50F7-year-old lifetime and have found various ways to cope — some through counselling and/or medication, and others through crystals and/or meditation. And yet, here I was, suddenly fearful of being 50fucking7! Did these thoughts and anxieties bypass us, or do we just “mask” it better? We are after all the generation that danced through deception.

And how do I ensure that I am present, right here, right now? Which led me to asking, who am I?

So, I took stock. I looked back at my life as an adult. I married at 23, I was a mother at 27, built a house by 28, lost my father at 29, had two sons by 30, met Nelson Mandela, Dame Kiri Te Kanawa and Whitney Houston by 33, divorced at 36, started a direct agency at 38, walked out of my job at 40, had a hysterectomy at 41, diagnosed with Fibromyalgia at the age of 43 and lived on 25 x schedule 7 drugs a day for a year; I received my Greek Citizenship and was left at the “almost altar” at 44, moved cities at 45, brought renowned global author Robin Sharma to Cape Town at 47, moved country and learned to navigate Duplicitous Dubai at 49, and moved country again at 50; I suffered a retinal thrombosis and lost the sight in my right eye at 52, and regained it at 53 through visualisation and meditation, discovered I really do have an authentic gift in the world of crystalline energetic healing at the age of 54; suffered massively with extreme pain from a “classic” frozen shoulder and almost have my British Citizenship (pending ceremony) by 50F7; and, I have, over 35 years, held down 14 phenomenal and 2 revolting jobs (including starting my own successful consultancy twice and starting 2 agencies for global networks) and realised I have had my heart truly broken by 6 people.

So, Life in the time of Covid pushed a big “is this it” button. A Greek by origin, we love to eat, to dance, to discourse, to hug; and as a South African by birth and upbringing, we love to braai, to beach, to debate, to hug. So unsurprisingly, I need people, parties, hugs. I need to see my sons, my family, my friends, my lovers, my loved ones with real regularity. I need to show up in the world, not be constricted and restricted create legacies.

And there I was, 50F7, despite being unable to be a social butterfly, for the sake of my sanity, for my growth and my inner peace, in order to “love myself enough”, with renewed vigour and self-love, I reminded myself of who I AM and as Burg says, “it takes “mindfulness to come to human life, and above that, mindfulness and virtue to come to a fortunate, human life, to make the deepest part of myself happy, to feel that I am alive, be in touch with my heart, to come to the end of it having had an awesome time”.

I AM light. I AM a light being. I AM extraordinary. I AM a Phoenix. I AM vulnerable and not always brave. I am often led by my ego and not my heart. I am deeply contemplative of my mortality and my legacy, which led me to writing this piece.

I AM the mother to my two super-sons. Adults they may be, but they are always my children and I will always show up for them, despite having been a very imperfect young mother.

I AM a beautiful child, and I am blessed to have a wonderful relationship with my Mother, aka Eva. I miss my father as I am “so much my father”. I AM a sibling, sometimes good and sometimes bad. And I am Godmother to my 9-year-old niece, in whose life I hope to play truly meaningful role as she grows up.

I AM a friend with a deep sense of integrity and generosity of spirit. I have finally found the “courage to be disliked”, I genuinely no longer care if you don’t like me or unfriend me, there are so many people in the world I can choose to have in my life, rather than to angst over the few that don’t care for how I show up.

I AM honoured to have three young ladies, one now a new mother, in my life, who feel like daughters, and who invite me to play a role in their lives as they grow and shift into being young wonder-women. And I am “London” mom to a number of other youngsters who have moved across the seas to seek their paths.

I AM the world’s only Prism Facilitator, a true healer, working deeply within the crystalline energetic fields to help people heal, find their purpose, learn how to meditate and breathe, love themselves enough to live their best lives and have easy and affordable access to support.

I AM now a trainee of Carolyn Cowan’s radically inclusive 2021 Kundalini Global Teacher Training programme. I am learning about how Posture x Breath x Intention = Transformation; I am studying this (and trust me — this is not an easy course, spread over 220 hours across 5 months, and I have not studied since 1985) so that I can incorporate these learnings into my personal practice and into my energetic healing practice, so that in addition to everything else, I can be an authentic Kundalini Global Yoga teacher in world where “gurus” have created mayhem instead of harmony. (Oddly enough, in our first module w/c 25/2/21, we were asked to answer the question: Who am I?)

I AM a brilliant quintessential “suit” in AdLand, and I love it. For those that say, “you won’t remember your work on your deathbed”, I certainly and happily will! I will remember my spectacular failures and my brilliant successes, the people I shaped and those who influenced me (good and bad) along the way. I will mentor more people in our industry and keep waving the anti-agism flag; employing older people should never be an issue, we should be more than a welcome addition to any organisation.

I AM a maximalist; While I rearranged my home in December, I realised I didn’t want to declutter totally, this was simply not me. Now I have a word for it. (I recently read “as a movement, Maximalism isn’t just a reaction against Minimalism, but a move away from other trends too. It’s a rejection of both Hygge and Wabi Sabi, and now that we’re spending more time in our homes than ever before, it represents a conscious celebration of our immediate surroundings”).

I AM an imperfect physical goddess, now really healthy and in 8 short weeks I have lost 8kgs, cleaned up my internal system and am fitter than I have been in a number of years. I can plank, and almost do a plough.

I AM a beautiful lover, even if I don’t have that intimate human in my life right now, I am secure in knowing that matters of the heart are serendipitous. I am patient in this life in the time of Covid.

I AM constantly in awe of people in my life, and I live my life in deep gratitude. I am happy with my perfectly imperfect life.

I have learnt to say, “I love my life, and my life loves me”, with absolute sincerity. I AM.

And, right now, right here, I have let go of the fear of being Fifty-Fucking-Seven. It may be an arbitrary age, but it made me take stock of who I AM and unpacking why, how and what legacies I will leave when I leave Mother Earth.

Nici Phoenix Malamoglou is a Global Client Partner at Havas, UK, and the world’s only Prism Facilitator. Pop on to her website www.niciphoenix.com for info on rituals, crystal healings, readings and ceremonial workshops.